Catherine Gueguen, a paediatrician, has made a name for herself with two reference works published by Editions Robert Laffont: “Pour une enfance heureuse – Repenser l’éducation à la lumière des neurosciences affectives” and “Vivre heureux avec son enfant”. She recently co-wrote “Développer les compétences psychosociales à l’école. Osons la Communication non violente” (Edition Canopé, éducation nationale, 2023).

The way the adult looks at the child modifies the child’s behaviour

What should you do if your child bites or hits a lot? For a week, for example, you can write down the child’s usual behaviour on a piece of paper. When you do this, you’ll realise that most of the time that child behaves very well. And as soon as the adult changes the way he looks at the child, no longer labelling him/her as a biter, as an infernal child, the child will not feel this aggression, even if it is not intended by the adult. The child will once again be much, much calmer and bite much less.

So you mustn’t label a child. For example, when a child bites a lot, you shouldn’t say “Oh, that’s it! You’re so annoying”. Professionals and parents really need to make a real effort to note everything that the child does well during the day, and if they do, they’ll change the way they look at the child. That’s really important!

Do you have any advice for parents in the event of their child’s “emotional turmoil”, and can you define the term beforehand?

I’m not talking about emotional turmoil, I’m talking about an emotional storm. In other words, often, from the middle of the first year, when children can move around, they pull their hair, they bite… The attitude of adults is decisive. A 2022 study shows that when adults show anger and punish children, the children will shout and be angry with the adult, and the aggressive behaviour will continue. On the other hand, when the adult is empathetic, talks about the child’s emotions and needs, discusses the expected behaviour, suggests solutions and alternatives, etc., the child will gradually modify his or her behaviour.

If, at some point, adults change the way they look at children, can that change children of all ages?

You can always progress until the end of your life

It’s true, whatever the age. I have many, many parents who tell me that they have a teenage child, and they’ve realised that they’ve always been harsh. If parents say to their teenager “You see, we made a mistake. We were brought up like that, and we did it because we thought it was good for you. Now we know that’s not the way we should have done things, and we’re going to change our behaviour. We’re going to change our behaviour. Well, the child or adolescent will change. It’s never too late.

Adults can change. That’s resilience: in other words, the brain changes every day, and the brain changes much more quickly in children. Children’s and adolescents’ brains are very malleable. We still have a malleable brain, but a little less so than children. But we can always change our behaviour, and we can always make progress. And children need to be told that too! And that’s something you have to tell professionals and parents: you can always progress and that’s what makes life interesting, knowing that you can always progress until the end of your life.

Thank you for that encouragement. Would you have anything to share with us about your latest book “Développer les compétences psychosociales à l’école. Osons la Communication non violente” published by Canopé de l’Education nationale?

Non-violent communication is in line with current scientific research. For children’s development, it’s important to talk about their emotions and needs. And I’d like to reiterate this point: adults first need to be trained, and to work on their emotions.

We should also remember that encouragement from adults plays a crucial role in a child’s development. As soon as a child makes an effort or progress, however small, they should be congratulated and encouraged. What do you say, for example, when you ask children to put their toys away and they only put one toy away? Instead of saying, “Look, honestly, you could help me a bit more! Instead, say: “Thank you! Well done for putting one toy away”. That’s really important.

When parents ask their child to put their dirty things in the dirty clothes bin and the child only puts one sock in, what is the adult’s tendency? They’ll often say: “Honestly, you can’t even put two socks in the bin! This kind of sentence will have repercussions on the child’s behaviour. You have to say: “Thank you. You’ve already put a sock in the bin. So even if the child’s effort was minimal, you should always encourage children to make an effort. It’s what makes them progress. The Anglo-Saxons are excellent at this. And I don’t see why we French can’t do it. That’s why we need to train childcare professionals and parents.

And to conclude, would you have a final recommendation more specifically for childcare professionals and parents?

For childcare professionals, this is often difficult when they have a lot of children to look after. However, for just a few minutes a day, if the professional can be present, present to the child and catch his or her eye and talk to him or her, the main socialisation structures are strengthened during these moments of exchanging glances with the child. This is extremely important. So I encourage childcare professionals to spend a few minutes a day with the child, looking at the child, without doing anything else, eliminating all mobile phones of course.

And parents need to be told once again that it is absolutely essential to eliminate all screens under the age of 2. Under the age of 2, screens are very harmful to children’s development. All the studies agree on this. All screens must be eliminated under the age of 2, because children need to be in the real world, to be interacting with adults, to be playing. This is extremely important.